Amphetamine Enantiomers

I’ve never taken adderall while depressed before–I don’t think.

It’s really strange, and has such a different affect on me than when I am of sound mind. 

My body wakes up. No longer am I chained by exhaustion to my bed. I can get up. I can do things. I can accomplish tasks. But that is just my body going through the motions, fueled by amphetamine enantiomers that are pushing me forward like a dull, dingy motor that should have died a long time ago.

But my brain–my brain is still in a fog. Unaffected by the orange pill I ingested hours ago, my thoughts float unfinished in a slow, dizzy whirlwind inside my head.

I can’t focus.

I can’t carry on a conversation.

I can’t even express love.

I try to. God, I try. But my words come out flat, hollow, and void of all emotion.

Why?

Because any feeling I possess stays locked inside my chest, pounding fiery fists against the steel vice that keeps them trapped. Always trapped. Except for the stinging tears that pool together in the corners of my tired eyes. 

Those tears are the only proof I have that I can still feel.

August, 2016